Belittling

I asked myself how can I go on from here.
So many things I wanna do, but I lack of guts n determination. 

I've learnt something called "commitment" 10 yrs ago towards my O levels. It's something tt not only u hope for, u wish for, or u want it. But this word consists of a deeper level of sacrifices.  10 yrs ago, I sacrifice my sleep, I sacrifice family time, I sacrifice many other time and place it into cooping myself in Mcdonald,  studying hard there.  No matter how others belittle my family, siblings thinking tt I was there to play, I continued.
U know something, since the day I know of things, my yearly birthday wish was to score well in exams. Tts the only wish.. or rather the main wish I had. My priority was studies.

Now, studies has somewhat finish... not totally.. but something else seems to be of more importance. Tts building family n career.  Somehow I'm not ready for both.

Becos of the technology,  the Internet,  I see many Ppl whom I rarely held conversations with. I see mostly their side of positivity, their achievements n their great side of character (be it love the world, or love the partners, or feeling touch for the less fortunate). It's these that makes me feel.. what do I have.

I understand it's abt perspectives,  it's either a half full cup or a half empty cup. Well, becos of what we see (visually) it's always abt others half full cup. And we feel that ourselves have a half empty cup. That's abt how I feel right now.

Some days I feel tt maybe I shld just don't care abt money n age. Packed my bags, have a  thousand in my pocket and fly off to see the world. Afterall to be very calculative, anyone can survive as long as there's no disasters tt lie upon us. Human basic needs are food, warmth n shelter. With a thousand on hand I can buy a few months of cup noodles, and a good pair of jackets n sleeping bag. Tts abt enough for what we need to travel.
And to maintain tt, we just gotta do what many does, take up a stupid job and feed urself. Save enough and fly again.
Simple logic.

But I lack guts.
I wonder will I die in regret?

I remember very clearly... when I was in my teens, I asked myself this as well. I was super confident tt I wldnt die w any regrets at tt moment cos I did what I cld do best in most of what I want. I put in effort and make decisions tt I told myself never to regret, so I gotta think carefully n make my choice. 

Now I didn't do tt.
I imagine what I wld tell others. I wld always say: go get it! Get ur dreams! Don't live w regrets! If u think tts something u wanna try, go! Never try, never know!
Feel like slapping myself at times like this. Cos w this above so called dream... I really still didn't dare to just let go and fly off physically. I tot... maybe I cld after once or twice of flight. Maybe i cld.
So many girls I know can fly alone.. They can travel alone..  They can, y cant I?

And there's this so so so warmth and good thing in my heart tt I start to feel the toughest on my shoulder,  tts family. I don't wanna leave my current family behind, and tt to-be-family. 
It's like investment, u wanna succeed more, there's more risk. So i wanna try more,  I gotta make sacrifices. Not only family... to be family, but also career.

For a average person,  to climb the corporate ladder usually needs time. I'm not talking abt high flyers. The longer u stay in an industry, w the upgrades of knowledge n experience,  will slowly climb.  So if a person like me wanna do all tt I want, I wldnt stay in a job for long. Despite these tots, in reality, I choose the safe path... to stay and work.

And to make matters worse, I'm feeling tt negatives have been surrounding me. Despite it was meant as encouragement. .... no it wasn't. 

Parents felt tt becos of my laid back attitude, I shld just stay in my current company and not go anywhere else cos they provide stable job and good benefits.

Friends see me and tell me tt in biz school it may not be as tough and maybe in the line tt I work tts to help/serve ppl. I kinda dislike tt, cos it's an emotional belittling tt their stuffs r much cooler n tougher.

Many also says tt I'm always talking abt cutting down on my weight tt never happens, well... its a way of how I constantly remind myself n something I wanna achieve.  So by not achieving it, I do not have the e right to think and feel this way, continuing to make it my goal?

Bf also mentioned tt I'm so good w planning, so I do best at what I do. This is so not helping despite it was suppose to sound positive. But it angers me as I felt it's something tt I gotta do on my own, as though he cldnt be relied on.

All kinds of negativity tt only I have myself to back myself up. And hopefully w the stronger faith from God.

All kinds of positive or neutral standings sounds like a mockery to me now. I know it's not purposely tt they made me feel this way, neither did they hope for such effects on me. Still.... everyday I cld laugh n have fun, but there's something missing.

I cld do things tt I want yrs ago becos I committed to my studies.  Now... what am I committed to? There's so much dreams.

To make life fulfilling,  it means a balance in many roles.
But somehow I do best when I focus.
What's my focus?