Regaining life (part 1)

Recently there's a few series that makes me rethink my priorities in life. And as always, I'll easily analyse the surfaces' pros and cons, which results in the usual - my foot stopping at my door step. Living up till now, 24 yrs of age, I never tot I saw enough. I wanted to explore more into many other areas, so much so that I'm starting to think it's impossible to cover all, since every now and then more new ideas keep me hype up. I definitely know such curiosity kills the cat like the saying goes, and right now I'm in the process of recovery after being killed for the 1st time in life, if me, this cat, do have 9 lives tt is.

I never knew I would ever face such HUGE confusion but it still came, even after yrs of slight prediction. Have visioned that one w/o a goal in life will be like a "headless fly"(translate into mandarin) and there were a lot of people close enough for me to look at throughout the yrs growing up. Becos of them, I once vowed to myself that I don't ever wanna be like them, so I will have to find out what is my strength, what is my goal - at the very least a career goal. And this tot has been with me ever since Secondary. Somehow I hated the tot that it was still the times where my peers were gagaing over Valentine's Day, while I had such a brain tt was thinking so far ahead. The worst was up till now, after 10 yrs of "preparation" towards the question "What is my goal?", I have yet an answer. Looking from the outside of my peers lives, it seems they knew where they're heading already and yet I am here, still stucked at the question I had 10 yrs ago. And this could be fustrating.

However, I also understand the flip side of it. There were many who doesn't know what they want either, but after turning one whole round, they're back to where they are and most importantly they're happy! There's also a famous one who had all sorts of dreams - such as writing a column of encyclopedia, working in the cartoon world - and with opportunities that he didn't know would lead to such dreams, all his dreams were fulfilled, one after another! There's also a saying tt only when u explore enough, u'll know where to go, so maybe, just maybe u haven't found what u like.

Despite all these understandings, never once was it a comfort to the worrisome heart. It's all just words and experiences of others, for the fact that I know it should all bounce down to my own experiences then will I have my own taste of life. Others' experience will always remain as theirs.

Was in the confusion recently due to the job search which anger myself once and again, but no worries I wasn't ready to give up yet. I just needed some time to push myself forward, that's what I tot. So while the confusion still lies in the head every single mintue, I continued my job search even when exams r near, for the sake that I was afraid to be unemployed. Many asked me to take a break, go for grad trip, relax for a wk or two before finding jobs but what they didn't know was the insecurity was already suffocating at tt point of time. There's also ppl that I shared with them how much effort I was putting in to find the jobs, only to get back some pathetic views shining down on me, esp. after so many months. Be it they did it purposefully or most that did it unpurposefully, it wasn't comforting at all. With that, anger rose up to the head level. Angering at myself for the inabilty to come out with a purely-real-answer that I could admit to myself of what I want in life.

Finally after 2 wks that I stopped finding work, cos' not knowing what I wanna look for anymore, the simple partial solution that I gotten in the end was - just keep finding. I looked through jobs again, clicking on the ones tt I think will make me happy or learn things that I have always wanted to learn and just apply. It's quite ironic - cos' I didn't know wat I want, but the ones that I click it, don't they meant I would have interest and that means "i like them" even to a certain extend.

So despite I may still be lost in what job I wanna do, I guess I had found back the confidence to face the confusion and that was enough. Having this confidence back and the partial solution to keep finding - it seems like my answer to this phase of confusion has come to a pause. Such questions will always come back to anyone like a periodical thing and mine was just over -  my 1st huge confusion on life. I've come back to "life"! =D

(To be continued.....)